Winning Doesn’t Always Feel Like Winning

Holy shit. 

Do the slings and arrows of grave misfortune weigh a ton or what?

You will make it through.

This I swear; you can make it through.

There will be a strange counter—parade formed around you. A line to either side. What was once called a Gauntlet. When you see your path and start your march, those who have quit and failed will line the roads and attack you. They will tell you to quit. They will tell you that you will fail like they did. Keep going.

You will be knocked from your path and stopped in your tracks soon enough by the things that stopped the people before you. Take a few breaths. Keep going. You will be surprised by the things you encounter. You can either laugh or get mad when you are surprised. Laugh and keep going. In some places, it’s ok to get mad and fight.

The prettiest girl in school is married to a fella named Steve. That makes me happy. It’s not that we shared dude names. There were a ton of Steves in that town. Couldn’t swing a dead cat or an engagement ring without hitting one. I’m happy because she’s happy doing something completely different from what she told me she was going to do. 

I got home the first time and friends-of-friends updated me and I heard that instead of going off to the FBI, she went and got hitched. I was honestly and unjustly disappointed. Who the fuck am I to be disappointed? Who is Jenny Durden? Who am I to ever question which wild roads any of us ends up on?

That same prettiest girl in school is the only one who sends me cards every year on the holidays. I should get her my new address. She was one of the few to check in on me in the dark years to come. I’m glad she found Steve 4.

 Sorry, Babe, there are like 20 in that town and 4 is pretty good. 

Here, pause.

I’m Jenny now, so I dub thee Steve 1.  

Game on.

I’m lucky she finds Steve 1 and sprouts her happy family. All of that is needed for me to get my cards, for me to keep faith when I’m too sick later in this very story.

For me to have faith in this future here and now we both had to have our dreams rearranged right out from under us. 

I’m grateful for lives lived unlike mine. I’m grateful for unanswered prayers.

You will get over your crushes. You will smirk at awkward memories. You will invent and thank gods for not getting involved. You will be ok.

Friendships are things more valuable than any other. Crushes come and go. Even love comes and goes. 

Imagine yourself alone on a sailboat with no wind. When a boat is used to getting no wind, even a little breeze may move it further than it’s been in a while.

Keep your sails up. Let the people in your life fill them. Some will be full-on gusts, some will be steady breezes, but many will stand there flapping their hands like complete morons.

That’s your crew, Matey. All of them. The wild storms and the mean-well sweeties alike. Anyone who steps aboard that boat and tries. The ones who try to fill your sail—the ones who know to look to see if your sail is full:That’s your crew. Those are your friends. 

I was talking to one of my friends about “bliss” the other day. There on our pirate ship, rocking gently in a sea we’ve conquered, I expressed my confusing feeling of bliss.

We work hard and work ourselves hard, and in that, my friend Ender had a seizure or three amid a confluence of human hurricanes. Terrifying. I was worried like I’ve never been. Trembled myself into stillness. I dropped everything in the world beside my friend in my arms. That was bliss. Not joy. Not even duty.

I feel like bliss is a mindless state. I, like many people, am an overthinker. We worry. We check. We panic. If we tell our smart-ass brain to shut the fuck up for a moment we might remember that we’ve got this. All that clutter is you having this. You’re seeing angles and speeds and futures and pasts. 

The mind worries because it has a worry setting. No reason more. Your heart, your gut, and the other chunks of your head that know how to play ball will carry you through.

That is the bliss of true and honest faith—faith in yourself and in others. Letting your hands off the controls. Whatever it is in there that guides you has momentum. It has a destiny; let it sail. Trust your crew, Captain. Trust your course.

Find your bliss. Campbell said that. Any mentor worth their salt will say that. 

Love first. Everyone wins. Victory through peace. Kindness at all costs. Those are the core values of our League. They took hundreds of years to get to. Keep them in mind always. Be ready to get your butt kicked. Get out there and sail.